


Because I'm so in love with you

by shattered_glass



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Angst, Canon Compliant, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Manga Spoilers, Romance, i think
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-21
Updated: 2017-06-21
Packaged: 2018-11-17 02:16:53
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,202
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11265873
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/shattered_glass/pseuds/shattered_glass
Summary: "Bertholdt could never quite get over the thrill of Reiner being his just as much as he was Reiner’s. Reiner and Bertholdt, Bertholdt and Reiner – always together, never apart. There was a time that every happiness Bertholdt ever experienced came from someone joining their names like that; like it was so natural that they would always be together."





	Because I'm so in love with you

**Author's Note:**

> Hello, readers!
> 
> I want to kick this off by saying I have a very, very vague idea of what happens in the manga; I know the basics, but if you notice I include very general terms or am a bit off, that's why. I mostly stick to the anime. (Also, I took some creative liberties in why Bertholdt became a warrior in the first place.) But I love the relationship between these two and wanted to experiment in writing it! This is a short thing that took me about a half an hour, so don't expect a masterpiece. 
> 
> Thank you for reading! Enjoy!

If circumstances hadn’t pushed Bertholdt the way they clearly did, Bertholdt never would have done it. He would have happily lived in the warmth that radiated off of Reiner, he would have closed his eyes and slept peacefully in the darkness of his shadow. It’s what he had been doing his entire life. And Reiner did the same. Bertholdt could never quite get over the thrill of Reiner being his just as much as he was Reiner’s. Reiner and Bertholdt, Bertholdt and Reiner – always together, never apart. Bertholdt blushed every time someone joined their names like that; like it was so natural that they would always be together.

* * *

 

But things were different now. Reiner was different. Bertholdt naively thought that he was just playing their game – pretending to be a soldier because that was part of their mission. That’s what they needed to do. At the beginning, when Reiner and Bertholdt got a few moments to themselves, and when Reiner put his hands on his friend and joined their lips, Bertholdt felt so stable. They fell into it just like they always did; except it was bigger now, not just chaste kisses and awkward fumbling through layers of clothes.

It happened the first time during their first week of training – they were both nervous and excited, thrilled, feeling so important that they were somehow chosen for this mission. Reiner was the one who instigated it, of course, and when their clothes were shed and Bertholdt was a writhing, shaky mess, Reiner grinned at him and hugged him so tightly, so innocently, that Bertholdt forgot that they were supposed to be having sex. It didn’t hurt. Bertholdt vaguely registered that the sky was gorgeous that night – stars splayed out across the inky sky – but he only watched Reiner, and Reiner only watched Bertholdt. After, Reiner said to Bertholdt, _When you feel lost, just look at me, and I’ll know. I’ll find you._ Above all else, Reiner wanted Bertholdt and Bertholdt wanted Reiner. And that was how it was supposed to be.

It was bliss for about a year. And then one day, Reiner talked as though he were a soldier – not unusual, except for the fact that he and Bertholdt were completely alone at the time. Bertholdt had looked around so cautiously that Reiner laughed and asked him why he was being so paranoid. Bertholdt asked Reiner why he was keeping up the act when there was no one else around, and Reiner gave Bertholdt a look that shattered Bertholdt into a million pieces. He was confused. He wasn’t keeping up an act. He didn’t know what in the world Bertholdt was talking about. When Bertholdt calmly explained that Reiner was not a soldier, but in fact a warrior, he saw reality seeping into his friend’s bones like he’d been drenched with cold water. Reiner, ever the leader, shrugged it off and turned in for bed early that night while Bertholdt fought off tears and tried to make sense of what the hell just happened.

After it happened two more times, Bertholdt became desperate for someone to talk to. Bertholdt tried to catch Annie’s eye at every possible opportunity, to make sure that she, at least, was on the same page – he longed for someone who understood, who didn’t force Bertholdt to explain their lie every single night. But she just looked straight ahead, venom in her eyes and ice in her bones, and Bertholdt realized that she’d never made the mistake of making friends in this place, and she was right to do so. Because Reiner and Bertholdt were in too deep. Reiner slipped in and out of his soldier persona. Bertholdt tried to cling to him, explaining to him again and again their purpose, the purpose that had been drilled into them from the time they could talk. The only moments that felt grounded – that felt realer than the earth beneath them – were the moments they spent wrapped up in one another, sweaty and breathless and completely safe knowing exactly where they were. When Bertholdt felt lost, Reiner knew, and he fixed it – sometimes with a comforting hand on Bertholdt’s back, sometimes with his lips on Bertholdt’s neck – he fixed it. Just like always.

One night, after everything – after the battle, after Annie disappeared for good – Bertholdt found himself unable to bring Reiner back. Reiner talked like a soldier, acted as though nothing had happened, and no matter how much Bertholdt tried, he couldn’t bring Reiner back. He felt his entire body burning as he talked, pleaded, begged, but Reiner just stared straight ahead, not even daring to meet Bertholdt’s eyes.

_“Reiner! You are not a soldier! You are a warrior! Please tell me you understand that!” Bertholdt shouted, reaching for Reiner. “Please tell me you know that. Please come back, just come back to me, we’ll get this all figured out.”_

_“There’s nothing to figure out, Bertholdt. You’re being ridiculous. Come on, we should catch up with the others and get some dinner.”_

_“No! Not until you tell me that you’re a warrior. Not until you tell me you know who you are.”_

_“What the fuck are you trying to say?”_

_“I’m lost!” Bertholdt finally cried. “You said you’d find me when I got lost! Well, I’m lost, and I need you to find me. I can’t do this anymore.”_

_“Yeah, well, neither can I.” There was such poison in his voice. Bertholdt fell to his knees, eyes trained on Reiner. When Reiner finally looked at him, his eyes were sharp and full of hatred._

_“You should go find Annie, if you’re so desperate for a fuck.”_

_“Wh-what? Reiner—”_

_“That’s what you’re telling me now, right? You want me to be a warrior so it can be the two of us against the world again, so we can fuck and hold each other and tell each other lies about how it’s all going to be all right. That’s what you want, isn’t it?”_

_Bertholdt shook his head, his throat closing._

_“Of course it is. Go find Annie. Tell her you love her, tell her you want to fuck her, I don’t give a shit. I can’t do it anymore. I can’t—”_

_“That’s not what I’m saying,” Bertholdt finally managed, his voice catching on every other word. Reiner’s face crumpled and he covered it with a large hand. Bertholdt just knelt there gasping, trying to form the right words. His body was on fire. He forgot how painful the Titan that resided in him was. He closed his eyes to prevent the tears from falling._

_“I don’t know what to say,” Bertholdt finally admitted, and when he opened his eyes, Reiner was kneeling in front of him. His eyes were glassy but he had that stupid, gorgeous half-smile on his face. He brought his hand up to cup Bertholdt’s face and sighed a long, sad sigh before talking._

_“I’m sorry.”_

_“Me, too.”_

_“I know who I am,” Reiner said gravely, and Bertholdt caught his hand before it slipped away from his face. He could read Reiner like a book by now – a skill he was immensely, childishly proud of._

_“I do, too,” Bertholdt said softly. “I know who you are, and I love you.”_

_Reiner – strong, beautiful, tough-as-nails Reiner – blushed a bright red and immediately tugged on Bertholdt’s neck, bringing him in for a firm, long kiss. Bertholdt let himself fall into it, shutting his eyes and putting his hands on Reiner’s neck, memorizing the warmth there. Kneeling in the grass, connected in each other’s warmth, they foolishly convinced themselves that it would be okay._

They didn’t have sex often after that. It scared Bertholdt that Reiner was slipping away so frequently – it scared him to think that he didn’t truly know the person he was having sex with. Besides, Reiner seemed to lose interest in it, too. Maybe he was afraid of the same thing. More than anything, when times were bad, they clung to one another for hollow reassurances and false hope. There were more chaste kisses and hand-holding underneath the sheets than anything else. They talked in hushed tones about moving into the country. Reiner promised Bertholdt a mansion, and Bertholdt always laughed and said that he didn’t care where they lived, as long as they had to share a bedroom – preferably, a small, cramped bed. Sometimes, that would turn into sex. Sometimes, though, that would be enough to put them into a quiet sleep that lasted the entire night without Bertholdt waking up screaming.

Even when he did, though – even when Bertholdt woke up sweaty and screaming for his life – Reiner just pulled him back down to the bed and made sounds like ocean waves, a gentle _shhh, shhh, shhh,_ until they both fell asleep again.

Pathetically enough, Bertholdt thought, those hellish years were easily the best of his life.

So when Reiner decided to tell Eren what they truly were, Bertholdt wanted to kick and scream and cry. He wanted to shout at Reiner and shove him hard, to demand to know how _dare_ Reiner take this away from the two of them? How _dare_ he give up those secret nights, those dreams of a better place? How _dare_ he force them to carry out their mission, and to become murderers again? Bertholdt immediately knew that it was stupid to think that way; they had both been trying to forget about it, and that was no long-term solution. But that didn’t stop him from transforming with tears in his eyes and hatred in his heart, forced to once again fall into Reiner’s shadow because he didn’t know what else to do. He was lost.

The more Eren screamed at them, the more he cried the word _traitor,_ the more Bertholdt resented Reiner for spilling their secret. And then for Reiner to fall back into being a soldier again, escaping from all that pain, without Bertholdt – _You’re a warrior, Reiner,_ he spat, because how _dare_ Reiner leave him behind after he promised to find him? It wasn’t a good life, but they made it work. Together. Through all the fighting and the uncertainty, they created promise of a new life, and Reiner didn’t even care. When they left Eren and Mikasa and all the others on that field and escaped with Ymir, Bertholdt in the palm of Reiner’s hand, Bertholdt wished they had just died then and there. He wished Reiner would crush him in his hand.

From that day on, the living nightmare just got worse. Between constantly reminding Reiner of who he really was and dejectedly watching Reiner fade away from him, Bertholdt thought of nothing but possible ways to end it all. The only thing keeping him rooted to the living world was the fact that at night, when the world fell asleep and nothing really mattered, Bertholdt and Reiner climbed into bed together, just like always.

On a night that they both dreamt about Marco – they both dreamt about him frequently, but usually not on the same night – Bertholdt turned to Reiner and asked, _Why the hell are we doing this?_ Reiner, still shaken and petrified, didn’t respond. He turned so that his back faced Bertholdt silently. Bertholdt, angry and dejected, also turned. He wished that he didn’t depend so much on the sounds of Reiner’s breathing to lull him to sleep, but he did.

The next morning, Bertholdt woke up to Reiner watching him. He had a small smile on his face, which Bertholdt quickly realized was due to the fact that his legs were practically thrown over his head, his arms twisted in an impossible position. Reiner loved watching him sleep. Always got a laugh out of it. It had been so long since the two of them had shared something like that. Bertholdt unfolded himself, cheeks on fire, anger from the previous night returning. He swung his legs out of the bed and Reiner followed him. Bertholdt’s chest became tighter and tighter until he finally rounded on Reiner, silently demanding an answer. Reiner just regarded his friend quietly and finally said _I don’t know what’s right or wrong anymore. So I guess I’m doing this to keep you safe. If that’s my purpose, so be it. I can live with that._

_I’m shit,_ Bertholdt had blurted, tears welling up before he could stop them. _You’re dedicating your life to a piece of shit. How can you live with that?_

And Reiner smiled and grabbed Bertholdt’s hips, pulling him close, almost flirting with him, like it used to be, and said: _Because I’m so in love with you, Bertholdt._

Bertholdt cried quietly the entire time Reiner undressed him, occasionally laughing at himself through his tears. He cried when Reiner buried his face in Bertholdt’s neck, and he cried when Reiner ran his hands down his thighs, because even after so long, Reiner remembered exactly what made Bertholdt tick. Bertholdt let himself be heard, moaning and writhing and knowing that Reiner loved every second of it. When they both came, it was like the air had been stolen from their lungs, and it didn’t even matter.

That was the last night they had together before the Survey Corps decided to retake Wall Maria.

They knew of the plans long before the actual attack happened, so most of their days were spent with Zeke, devising a plan to stop them. The week leading up to the attack, Reiner was a mess. Bertholdt knew it was because they’d have to face their old friends again. The same ones Reiner developed an entirely new personality around. The ones Reiner dreamt about every night until he woke up terrified and shaking violently. As Bertholdt watched his friend – was “friend” even an accurate description anymore? – he became more defensive, angrier, more bitter. Reiner was a child when he was given this mission, just like so many of the Survey Corps were when they signed up to kill Titans. In a cruel world that forces children to go down paths far before they’re ready, who deserves mercy? Who deserves forgiveness? Does everyone deserve punishment?

Bertholdt signed up for the mission to get away from his father. It was the only possible way out. Bertholdt was sick of being holed up in a house with that man, living in constant fear – becoming a warrior meant freedom. It meant he didn’t have to do those things he didn’t want to do. He chose that path because if he didn’t, he surely would have killed himself long ago. He didn’t know what that path entailed. Maybe he should have done it a long time ago.

And then he realized.

There was another path.

One he hadn’t even thought of, until now.

A path that meant Reiner could be free to be a soldier, if he wanted.

A path that meant Reiner could be happy like he deserved to be. One that meant he could live with a soul that was as bright as he was.

Without Bertholdt to pull him back to reality – without Bertholdt to keep safe – Reiner could be anyone he wanted to be.

And Bertholdt already loved whoever Reiner decided he wanted to be.

If Bertholdt let himself die, Reiner would be free.

That was the path he had to take.

He decided he would assist with the attack on the Survey Corps within Wall Maria. He tried to convince himself that it was because he didn’t want to raise suspicions, and he didn’t want to leave Reiner vulnerable and alone, without being given a chance. Realistically, though, Bertholdt wasn’t ready to say goodbye. They only had four days until the attack. Four days left for Bertholdt to be with Reiner – to touch him, to make him laugh, to feel the warmth radiate from his body. And then he would die.

He wrote his note on the first day, unable to wait. He wanted Reiner to understand that he was free, and that he loved him. Those were the two most important parts. Everything else, Bertholdt realized as he read it over, was mostly just rambling. He decided to leave it in, though. Reiner liked it when Bertholddt rambled. Maybe it was a nice touch. Bertholdt folded the letter and put it in an envelope with Reiner’s name on it, then hid it in a drawer that Reiner never touched. His own little secret, right next to where they slept. It thrilled him. It thrilled him to think that in a matter of days, Reiner, sweet, gorgeous, loyal Reiner, would be free. Would be happy.

_Are you already asleep?_ Bertholdt asked as he climbed into bed the night before going to Wall Maria. Reiner grunted and rolled over so that he faced Bertholdt. Fear was etched into every line of his face. Bertholdt scooted close so that their foreheads touched. Bertholdt shuddered when the thought crossed his mind: _This time tomorrow, I’ll be dead._

_I would be asleep if it wasn’t for you,_ Reiner had said. _You change your clothes louder than any person I’ve ever known._

Bertholdt had laughed so hard at that, and so did Reiner.

_Maybe I’m just not ready to say goodnight yet._

_You’re so clingy sometimes, Bertl, I swear._

Bertholdt just hummed, keeping his eyes on Reiner’s face. That blonde, blonde hair. Strong jaw. Brown eyes.

_You’re so strong, I don’t know why you need me. You need to fight for yourself. You need to take charge every now and then._

And Bertholdt nodded, knowing that the words came from fear. Reiner was scared he couldn’t protect Bertholdt tomorrow. Reiner was giving Bertholdt permission to do whatever it took to survive. He would always do this – push Bertholdt away before a mission, just in case Reiner wasn’t quick enough or strong enough. Just in case he couldn’t find him. It was the same reason he kept pushing Bertholdt to go to Annie – in case Reiner wasn’t enough for him.

_I know I’m strong. Way stronger than you._

_Well, now, let’s not get ahead of ourselves._

_Everyone knows I could take you on any day._

_You’re pushing it._

_Oh yeah?_

_Yeah._

They grinned at each other, teasing like they were little kids again. Bertholdt felt his throat close.

This could be the last day that Reiner Braun was a warrior.

It was better than any dream Bertholdt had ever had, and this time, no one was going to take it away from him.

_You should sleep now._

_You too, Bertl. Try not to move around too much in your sleep tonight. Big day tomorrow._

_I make no promises._

_You’re insufferable._

_You love me._

_Yeah. I guess I do._

Reiner leaned in and kissed him, and Bertholdt decided then and there that if he had to do it all over again, the exact same way, he would. All the pain, all the guilt, the hell on earth that came with being a warrior – if it meant that he could hear Reiner tell him that he loved him just one more time, Bertholdt would do it.

* * *

 

And if Reiner asked him why – one day in the future, in heaven or in the depths of hell – Bertholdt would say _Because I am so in love with you._


End file.
